It isn’t just Simmons and Stanley. This is a game everyone in the band could play. (Well, Ace Frehley seemed to have his shit sorted out, as it were; “Parasite,” for instance, is a weirdly very sexy song, with a kick-ass guitar riff to boot.) Not so much the case for “Baby Driver,” by drummer Peter “Yes, I’m to Blame for ‘Beth’” Criss (also on Rock and Roll Over). “Go, baby driver/Been driving on down the road/Oh, what a rider/Carrying such a heavy load/Don’t ever need to know direction/Don’t need no tow, food, gas, no more.” The first question, obviously, is what the hell is he talking about? No, seriously. What the hell? And the second thing is, Jesus Christ, what is going on with this sexual metaphor? It is a sexual metaphor, that much is clear. Even if we leave aside the confusing lyrics (in fact, let’s do that, please), what on earth is going on with “go, baby driver”? There’s a fine tradition in ’70s rock of calling the groupies or what have you “baby,” and presumably that’s what Mr. Criss had in mind, but this strikes me as a sort of terrifying misstep.
And Kiss fans know from missteps. I’m going to limit myself to some of the high points from the first six albums because, frankly, I don’t want to hear any of the other albums again, ever. (Well, that doesn’t include the four solo albums released in 1978, of course. They are troubled, troubled records, but I have a completely indefensible yet persistent sentimental weakness for Paul’s solo album, and I might also argue, if cornered, that there are actually some songs worth listening to on Ace’s. Peter’s album is pretty much crap from end to end, and I’ve never actually listened to Gene’s, and I don’t intend to. If you try to make me, I shall be cross.) Here are some of my favorite flubs:
- “Flaming Youth” (Destroyer, by Gene, Paul, Ace, and Bob Ezrin – I think Ace was drugged and kidnapped and forced to participate in this one) – “Flaming youth will set the world on fire.” That one doesn’t mean to be sexual, but come on.
- “Room Service” (Dressed to Kill, by Paul) – “Baby I could use a meal.” Oh, my god.
- “Goin’ Blind” (Hotter than Hell, by Gene) – “Little lady, can’t you see/You’re so young and so much different than I/I’m 93 and you’re 16/and I think I’m going blind.” This song, in which Larry King tells his girlfriend that they can’t be together any more, has always cracked me up. The premise is supposed to be amusing (and it is), but I’m not sure Mr. Simmons knew what he was doing with the going blind metaphor.
- “Hotter than Hell” (Hotter than Hell, by Paul, who sounds like Jerry Lewis when he sings “Lady, oh lady,” something that I, not being French, find uniquely repulsive) – “Hot, hot, hotter than hell/You know she’s gonna leave you well done.” Am I the only one who gets unpleasant and not-sexy burn unit images from this? This song also features an earlier and inarguably more successful – if not exactly successful, per se – exploration of the Mr. Speed theme, with “I’ll take you all around this whole wide world before the evening is through.”
- “Mainline” (Hotter than Hell, by Paul) –“ You needed some loving/I’m hot like an oven.” Ah, the merciless overlord of the exact rhyme. The thing is, Mr. Stanley really wanted a phallic reference here, not a yonic one. I’m sure of this.
Ah, good times. Now, I assume Mr. Simmons’ response to all this would be to unzip, pull out his big old bank ledger, and wave it in my face. Which is part of the fun, probably. I don’t care what he thinks, and he doesn’t care what I think. That’s called détente. Go, baby driver.
On the other hand — Love Gun. No, not the song. Just the two words together. Could anything be more perfect?
Also, no mention of “Dr. Love?”
I think that cover for Love Gun may be about the most ridiculous album cover I’ve ever seen.
Dr. Love sort of actually makes sense is the thing. It’s stupid, yes…but if you’re just going for stupid kiss lyrics, then what song doesn’t qualify?
I don’t know if this column is serious. “Destroyer” is their most wretched album? Well, you’re in the minority. Actually, it’s quite terrific in parts:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ku00kJVboFQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHVffQ8i9SE
Don’t think Kiss was ever considered shocking for their lyrics. Or even shocking period. I mean, they even allowed Halloween costumes to be made of themselves. I know because I wore one when I was eight. It’s more like they let their costumes do most of the talking. Lyrically Kiss kept things relatively clean, I think. For more “shocking” lyrics, go with AC/DC or WASP.
At least they know they’re mediocre. And they make no bones about that.
She’s not saying they’re not shocking enough! She’s saying they don’t seem to have any idea what they’re talking about!
Kiss is obviously a joke…but I don’t think the joke is precisely that they think they’re mediocre. And they’re not mediocre, even! Those first few albums are good!
“Gluey Tart” has pretty nasty sexual connotations, too.
Of course it does! That’s the point! She usually writes about yaoi. It’s a joke. Sheesh.
“Gluey Tart” is a reference to a line in Jules Laforgue’s Hamlet, if you must know.
I think KISS is about as mediocre a band as has ever existed, but “Lick It Up” is their shining moment (if one doesn’t count the Ace solo album).
Anyway, the funny thing about the band is that they’ve never been anything more than a marketing strategy. Yet, fans appreciate that central feature in some kind of ironic way, which only ironically serves the marketing strategy.
Concerning “Mr. Speed” & “He was supposed to be a hot, sexy rock god, doing women right and left, so many and so quickly you could see a vapor trail. But, I thought to myself, aren’t guys supposed to, you know, last?”
Not to get all scientific here but he may be boasting about his innate selfishness as a lover as well as his refractory period (which could be like 10 seconds). So he’s claiming that he can finish with one groupie and be ready for the next in less than a minute. He probably has testicles the size of water melons which you don’t see on the cover because he’s wearing a gaff. Sorry for the close reading…
Kiss isn’t mediocre. Tom Petty is mediocre. High on Fire is mediocre. Kiss can’t play their instruments and their songwriting is rudimentary, but as far as rock and roll primitivism goes, their first few albums are quite good; they have a real talent for writing hooks, and their incompetence is bracingly unpretentious. I’d rather listen to that first Kiss album than to, say, the Sex Pistols most days.
They’ve always been very business oriented — but that sort of goes to the lack of pretension. I think you also underrate the extent to which they were into the idea of being rock and rollers at the beginning there.
Suat, I think you have seen deep into the twisted soul-thing of Gene Simmons. Also, I had to look up “gaff.”
Kinukitty, you’ve just got to review the 70s KISS comics from Marvel, printed with the blood of the band. And the Detroit Metal City manga. If but to make you cross.
Must see data point on business orientation: Kiss on the Paul Lynde Halloween Special. The other guests are Roz Kelly, Margaret Hamilton, and Florence Henderson.
NB: Tom Petty is mediocre.
Whaaa?? Haven’t heard his records, just what’s on the radio. “Running Down a Dream,” “You Wreck Me,” and a whole bunch of others are pretty unassailable.
As far as Kiss goes, they have called themselves mediocre in interviews.
…but we’ve established that Kiss is stupid. Why on earth would I take their opinion for anything?
And if you think Tom Petty is unassailable…well, we’ll just have to agree to disagree about most everything, I guess.
Nate C., “Love Gun,” the words, are definitely a win. I don’t hate the song, either. “Calling Dr. Love” is a stupid, stupid song, even by Kiss’ standards, but the sexual metaphor is at least in order. (And Noah, I’m very fond of the Love Gun album art. It reminds me of Vampirella.)
SigfriedSasso, I am perfectly happy to be in the minority, where we aren’t listening to Destroyer. It’s nice here. Peaceful. None of the torment of “Great Expectations” and its fake glockenspiel or whatever the hell that is. As far as the shockingness of Kiss, no, I wouldn’t seriously argue they were ever shocking, but they were dirty. In an inconsistently incompetent way. And their first four albums – through Alive, I mean – were the real deal. AC/DC was not shocking, but fun, and WASP was not shocking. WASP was trying to be Kiss but sucking. I will not speak of Tom Petty.
Yes, Derek, Gluey Tart does have sexual connotations. Competent ones.
Charles, you and I will have to agree to disagree about the momentary shine of Lick It Up. As for the marketing strategy – well, yeah. That’s Kiss. They weren’t nothing but a marketing strategy at first, though. Their first albums are charming.
Suat, I had never considered your theory. Well done, I must say – it is as if you can see into the very heart of the Paul Stanley industrial military complex. I also spent an entertaining few moments contemplating the relative tensile strength of that gaff. Sometimes it’s hard to be a woman.
Bill, believe it or not, I owned the Kiss blood comics of which you speak. They are no longer with me, alas – slipped out one night to fly back to the marketing thunder gods from whence they came, no doubt. And I have seen the Detroit Metal manga. No. That would make me very cross indeed.
Caro, I have seen the Paul Lynde special. Paul Stanley didn’t even try to pretend he was playing his guitar. You need to see Gene Simmons on Michael Douglas in 1974. Excruciating, but fascinating. He was trying so hard. And I think his tongue was painted gray.
Kitty, I should specify that I only stand behind the song “Lick It Up,” not the album, which is otherwise awful.
Noah, why does one have to choose? They’re all mediocre. I’d go with Petty for any criterion you wish to use in comparing “primitive” abilities, though. He’s better at cliches than the other two. But I’ll grant you KISS over the even more generic High on Fire. I was in a 5 year relationship with KISS fan. The best thing about it was Christmas and birthday shopping were really easy.
Petty’s a better musician. Boring ass songwriter though. And the fact that he’s better at cliches is one of the things that makes him less fun to listen to.
But mainly it’s the tedious songwriting.
Kitty, I’m not sure I get what you mean by “stupid song.” Do you mean its sentiment or its execution?
I think pretty much all of their songs are stupid in sentiment, but the execution is where they can shine.
In other words, they do big ‘n’ stoopid quite well.
This post is hilarious. I wish Kinukitty wrote about stuff I have a point of reference for, like shitty rock bands, more often. (Obviously she’s going to write about what she wants to write about and I’m not telling anyone what to do.)
Thank you, Elias – that’s a lovely compliment!
My only disagreement is the merits of Destroyer. I can’t defend the whole album, but Detroit Rock City is so good it makes up for a lot. The guitar riff in the verse is extremely bland. But the rest of it, and the solo in particular, is KISS at its best for me. As you can tell by me being a KISS and Van Halen (You can probably copy and paste this article and use it for them too) fan, I don’t care about lyrics. Give me a guitar hook and I’m good.
Destroyer isn’t a complete disaster. I like the cover. Detroit Rock City never did much for me, though, in part because of the accident noises. It reminds me of Last Kiss (intentional? possible, I suppose, but I haven’t seen anything indicating they were [or are] up to making allusions), and that’s a no-go. For me.
Van Halen! Bop ba-da, shooby do wah (ba dah ba), bop ba-da, shooby dooby dooby do wah…
Actually, my Detroit Rock City love must have clouded my judgement because as I look at the rest of Destroyer the only song I care for is God of Thunder. I like the intro to King of the Nighttime World on Alive II and the Tiger Stadium reunion tour version of Shout It Out Loud. But the rest sucks.
And I forgot to mention that if you like Paul Stanley’s solo album he plays a lot of live here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KgN5hJqxjPE.
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