The comics blogosphere can’t stop talking about the DC Comics reboot in September. Some bloggers are cheering. Others are jeering. But anyone can offer a general impression. A true comics blogger explains why something sucks, and then explains how everything would be better if said blogger was in charge.
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Action Comics #1
Written by Grant Morrison
Art by Rags Morales and Rick Bryant
Pros
Grant Morrison has written great superhero comics.
And lots of people seem to really like Morrison’s All-Star Superman.
Cons
The unbearable Modern Myth/Super Jesus/Underwear Messiah garbage.
And All-Star Superman was incredibly overrated.
Odds That It Will Suck
High. In his 70+ year history, Superman has starred in about 5 good comics. The rest are about why the world “needs” Superman and his crappy merchandise.
How I Would Make It Better
Superman is an escapist fantasy about male potency, which is why Action Comics should be an adult comic. Every issue should be 22 pages of hardcore sex where Superman fucks his way through Lois, Lana, Lex, Jimmy Olsen, Martha Kent, Krypto, and consequently saves the world. Superman isn’t Jesus Christ. He’s Ron Jeremy-meets-Arnold Schwarzenegger.
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Wonder Woman #1
Written by Brian Azzarello
Art by Cliff Chiang
Pros
Azzarello has written some good (crime) comics.
I like Cliff Chiang’s artwork, if for no other reason than it doesn’t look like everyone else’s artwork.
The new costume is a slight improvement over the last new costume.
Cons
Azzarello has written some terrible (superhero) comics.
Odds That It Will Suck
Super high. When it comes to crappy comics, Wonder Woman has an even worse track record than Superman. Nobody at DC knows what to do with this character.
How I Would Make It Better
I’m tempted to just write “make it porn” for each these. But in all seriousness, the only way that Wonder Woman would ever be good again is if William Marston came back from the grave. The next best alternative would be to find a writer who has a similar personality to Marston: feminist, polygamist, BDSM enthusiast, lesbian fetishist, furry, all-around pervert and political visionary, etc.
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Teen Titans #1
Written by Scott Lobdell
Art by Brett Booth and Norm Rapmund
Pros
Lobdell has experience writing teen superheros, going back to Generation X.
Cons
Generation X was actually kinda boring.
Superboy is not and will never be badass, no matter how many ‘tats he has.
Odds That It Will Suck
Very high. Teen Titans was tolerable for about 3 years in the early 1980s. Everything before and after was a miserable failure.
How I Would Make It Better
The core problem with Teen Titans is that it’s never been about teenagers, but rather what adult writers want teenagers to be. Superboy, Robin, Wonder Girl, Kid Flash – these kids revere their elders and try to emulate them. Fuck that noise. Adults don’t deserve reverence. Plus, teenagers don’t want to read about obedient, law-abiding teens, and adults reliving their youth don’t want to read about obedient, law-abiding teens. They both want sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll (or substitute in hip hop). The Titans shouldn’t be fighting crime, they should be fighting for the right to party, and generally reminding adults how much they suck.
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Batgirl #1
Written by Gail Simone
Art by Ardian Syaf and Vicente Cifuentes (cover by Adam Hughes)
Pros
Having a writer with an actual sense of humor never hurts.
Cons
Barbara Gordon can now walk again, which means DC eliminated one of the tiny handful of disabled heroes.
That Adam Hughes cover freaks me out. She keeps smiling at me with her cold, dead eyes…
Odds That It Will Suck
Medium. Batgirl is a fairly straightforward character who stars in straightforward adventures. No history of greatness, but no history of terribleness either.
How I Would Make It Better
Comics starring solo heroes often tend to be a dreary reads because the protagonist rarely has anyone to interact with. This leads to page after page of mind-numbing narration just so the writer can justify their wage. This book needs a big supporting cast, preferably other superheroines who accompany Batgirl on her adventures. So it would essentially be Birds of Prey with Batgirl. And like Birds of Prey, there should be plenty of lesbian subtext, because lesbian subtext improves everything.
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Swamp Thing #1
Written by Scott Snyder
Art by Yanick Paquette
Pros
I’m drawing a blank here…
Cons
Mediocre writer, mediocre artist, a character who is ill-served by being dragged back into mainstream superhero comics.
Odds That It Will Suck
Certainty. Alan Moore is a tough act to follow. And outside of Moore’s run, Swamp Thing doesn’t have a rich history to draw from.
How I Would Make It Better
Well, I probably wouldn’t make it at all. But if I had to, I’d shamelessly rip off the best parts of Moore’s run. At minimum, the comic should have purple prose, leftist politics, and psychedelic yam sex.
The Wein/Wrightson swamp thing was pretty good…or lovely art, anyway….
You might be into something.
Onto. Ew.
I’m almost completely at a loss with Superman. Perhaps the best idea would be to relaunch it as Being Superman in the manner of Being John Malkovich. That might be a fun way to play with the core power fantasy.
With Wonder Woman, DC needs to invent a time machine to go back and fix all the mistakes they made with Alan Moore. He’s the only creator who comes halfway close to sharing Marston’s idiosyncrasies. Then we can start a pool about how many issues will get published before DC finds a new way to piss him off.
With the Titans, they should rename it the Twentysomething Titans, ’cause that’s what they really were when I was reading them, back in the Wolfman/Pérez days. Truth in advertising.
Batgirl needs to be retitled I Am the Fucking Batgirl. Then I might actually pick it up and take a look.
With Swamp Thing, all I can think of is a series of story arcs that looks at the various green elementals throughout history. And the story always ends with the elemental saying the hell with it, joining up with the Parliament of Trees, and taking root.
Robert- Alan Moore came to mind when I was thinking about a replacement for Marston. Of course, Moore working for DC again is about as likely to happen as Marston rising from the grave. Darwyn Cooke had a halfway decent take on the character, IIRC.
When it comes to Titans, they should drop any indicator of age. Teens don’t like being reminded that they’re too young to buy a beer, and adults don’t like being reminded that they’re too old to be reading superhero comics.
Wait; it just occurred to me…the reboot isn’t going to cause them to cancel Tiny Titans, is it? I will be pissed if so; that’s the only thing DC publishes that’s worth a damn.
You sir are my hero. When I finally got around to the reading the All-Star Superman, I actually fell asleep. Morrison seems to write Superman and Batman as abstract comments. The result is that his Batmen is as ridiculous as Adam West’s. But Adam West is supposed to be funny and not the ultimate comment on the character. His Superman is just . . . there. The book ended up being about Lois and Lex. Superman actually becomes the Macguffin in his own book. But to be fair that seems to be the history of the character.
Noah – I don’t know the fate of Tiny Titans. It’s part of the Johnny DC line, and I don’t think that imprint is affected by the DC reboot.
Jim – I’m not the only blogger who was less than enthused with All-Star Superman. Noah’s been pretty harsh on it, a few other critics gave it middling reviews.
It’s just that regular Superman comics are so awful, All-Star seems like a masterpiece in comparison.
I think the way for DC to lure Moore back is to just give him ownership of DC Comics, including all of his previous projects. In exchange, Warners, etc., gets a share of the profits of the new MDC in perpetuity. I’m sure it would drive sales up…and since it’s just a tiny sliver of the Warner Corporation, does it really matter if they just hand everything over to him to play with as he wishes (and hire other creators as he sees fit, etc.) He’d probably run it into the ground, but there would be some creative years in there before it happened.
Yeah, but what we really want to know is how you’d fix uh…[scrolls through solicitations]…Red Hood and the Outlaws or Mister Terrific.
The new Superman could be okay if, as suggested by that cover, they take him back to his “roots” as a Depression fantasy of social justice. You know, he can run around beating the shit out of slumlords and war profiteers.
It’s weird how DC has this established pattern now of elaborate diegetic explanations for messing with their continuity. Including this new one, I can think of at least five crossovers whose whole raison d’etre was to give an in-story explanation for why Hawkman was suddenly left-handed in one issue back in the 50s and similar minutiae. It’s like all their writers desperately want to win No-Prizes, only they’re working for the wrong company.
“Mister Terrific” has really great potential. Just the name is so lame that it comes out the other side into cool.
I wish they hadn’t killed off the Golden Age incarnation, though:
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_4irVuZamOhA/TFMBhWE2SMI/AAAAAAAACiY/coSUsCwmkug/s400/Mr+Terrific+end-piece.jpg
I still have the theme song for the ’60s TV show buzzing around my brain:
http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=mr+terrific+theme+song&aq=f
Jones – allegedly, this reboot is supposed to sweep away the minutiae so that DC becomes new reader friendly. Of course, Crisis of Infinite Earths was supposed to do the same thing … maybe we should place bets to see how long it takes for all the old clutter to come back.
norb – I kinda like the new Mr. Terrific … or at least I liked him in that one episode of “Justice League” where he showed up.
Wow, that “Action” comic looks like the cover of the Village Voice this week. It’s hot! Good to see Clark coming out with pride.
Moore could probably handle running DC for a bit considering how much work he must have put into writing everything (well most everything) for America’s Best Comics.
That ‘Action’ cover looks like Richard Corben. I could totally get behind a Corben ‘Superman’. Hey, he did ‘Batman’. What other classic underground guys would kick ass in the DCU? Crumb ‘Newsboy Legion’, Deitch ‘Golden Age Sandman’, Bill Griffith ‘Jimmy Olson’,Rick Griffin ‘Green Lantern’, Spain ‘Vigilante’.
And a Moscoso ‘Dr Fate’, of course.
wow, fire Geoff Johns & Jim Lee and put Alan Moore in their place! So simple it’s brilliant!!
No pros for Scott freaking Snyder? Clearly you haven’t read American Vampire or his latest run on Detective Comics. He owns it. Like a boss. I don’t even like Swamp Thing, but intend on reading it solely on his badassery..