Gluey Tart: I Shall Never Return

I shall never return
I Shall Never Return, by Kazuna Uchida, 2007-2008, Deux Press

I don’t know. This five-volume series is like a love affair that you try to describe to someone a few years later, and you open your mouth to explain your actions, and nothing comes out because you’re just thinking, no, I was into that person, I’m sure of it, but the details somehow elude me. And yet, I can give you a plot summary for any episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation. So what I’m saying is, it’s not you, I Shall Never Return. It’s me.

I’m pretty sure. This is “a true masterpiece of early yaoi,” the back cover tells me. It was originally published starting in 1992 (through 1995 or so – I seem to have misplaced Volume 5, God knows what happened to it, but surely nobody really cares anyway – what’s a year or two among friends?), and it does have an old-school feel about it. Which is fine. It doesn’t feel particularly dated to me, either in look or content. I’m sure the disaffected young hottie turning tricks because he just doesn’t care what happens to him theme played a little fresher seventeen years ago – I mean, it had to – but I’m a fan of that particular yaoi cliché, so no harm, no foul, either way.

It’s a very small story, for five volumes. And I’m OK with that as well. I never met a good obsessive bit of character development I didn’t like, and if there’s one thing this series does, it’s develop it some characters. Convincingly, even. I’m not going to say much about what or how because I don’t want to give it away, and details won’t help you decide whether you want to read it or not, anyway. There’s a torrid romance between two high-school age boys, with some love triangle action that gets resolved one way or another. Normally I think nothing of providing spoilers, but it wouldn’t be right for this story because there are a number or moments where things could go either way, and the fun comes in wondering what path the character will pick, and how you feel about it. I will say that the ending won’t leave you depressed and sad and cranky and casting about for some stale bit of forgotten chocolate at the back of your desk drawer.

Looking back over our days together, I Shall Never Return, what I appreciate most is that your characters are genuinely sort of complicated in a real-life-ish sort of way. They make unexpected choices, some good and some not so much. And the two main characters love each other. Not in a swoony and completely unrealistic-outside-of-yaoi way (and I’m not putting that down, either), but in a kind of believable real-people-making-real-life-choices sort of way that maybe isn’t exactly swoony but does feel good, especially because the feeling good thing isn’t a foregone conclusion. (Sort of like the love story between Wharf and always-surprisingly-no-matter-how-many-times-you-see-the-reruns stacked Deanna Troi.) (Look, I wove in a Star Trek: The Next Generation reference!) (Also, I ask you, why should the Germans get to have all the hyphenation fun?)

I cared enough about the characters and was curious enough to see where their lives would take them that I wound up reading all five volumes of this series. This isn’t so unusual, in itself. What kind of a Gluey Tart would I be if I weren’t good for five volumes? Damn straight. Here’s the weird thing, though. I bought them one at a time. This may not sound at all weird to you. That would mean you potentially have a healthier and less obsessive relationship with manga than I do. I buy the first one, and if I show signs of liking it about a quarter of the way in, I take steps to get the rest of the volumes in the series immediately. (Sometimes radical steps, in the case of an older series that I came to late and had trouble tracking down used copies of; there was a tense time there getting hold of volume four, although I see that I eventually wound up with two of them – but that is my way, and I’d like to try and think of it as charming). But with I Shall Never Return, I bought one book at a time. I’ve never done that in my life, but for some reason I kept thinking each volume might be the last one I’d want to read. Which never was the case, even with the last one.

So, I don’t know what my problem was. Is. Maybe I was in the mood for yaoi craziness instead of a mostly small-scale and quiet romance. I recommend it to you, though. You’re less shallow than I am. I think you can really make it work, and it deserves that.

Gluey Tart: Future Lovers

future lovers

Future Lovers, Saika Kunieda, 2008, Deux Press

Cover: Do not like. Everything else: Love, love, love.

I guess I could stop right there and call it a day, but that would be lazy. Even I see that. And despite lazy being my middle name (Kinu L. Kitty, as it says on my driver’s license), this two-volume series deserves better and, by God, I resolve to rise to the occasion. Or at least say something remotely coherent.

(brief pause as I contemplate the existential implications of the endless whirring of the blades of the ceiling fan)

This one does everything right. Except the cover. The art is good, and the faces are so expressive, I was done in by that alone. The stories are well told, kind of silly and harebrained and a wee bit angsty for spice, and utterly romantic in a big, goofy grin-inducing way that is the hallmark of really fine yaoi. This leads us to the third item on the checklist, the sex. Which can be fine, glorious, even, as long as the art is good – the story itself doesn’t have to be there for the sex to work. But when it all comes together, you have something that makes you stop and stare, thinking about what you’re reading and appreciating what you’re seeing, something that makes you reorganize your brain a little bit to make room for something you’ve learned about life. You want to read it again before you’ve finished it the first time. That was kind of sentimental, wasn’t it? Sigh. That’s the thing about falling in love. Ask REO Speedwagon.

The characters in the first story just got me. There’s a complicated, sly, sexy uke (who is small and blond and gay) and a big, uncomplicated lug of a formerly straight seme. (Let’s call them Akira and Kento, since those are their names.) There are angry grandparents. There are hilarious screwball comedy complications, and there is the word chorkle. There is romance and very, very hot sex.

I went back over some of the sex scenes several times and stared at them for minutes a shot, trying to figure out why they work so well. So I could tell you about it. The things I’m willing to do for you guys, huh? Here’s what I came up with, as it were. The drawing is deftly done. Skillful and clever about the details it reveals, whether that’s Akira’s flushed, upturned face (cliched? yes – but a favorite for a reason, in the hands of a good mangaka), or Kento’s hand clutching desperately at Akira’s hair after they fall into bed.

The story is filled with revealing touches. The facial expressions are priceless, constantly and fluidly shifting along every nuance of surprise, horror, jealousy, desire, and love. The reactions are played broadly for a sort of zany sitcom feel – sort of like “Three’s Company,” if “Three’s Company” had been any good.

future lovers

(Spoilers ahead.) The characterizations are also rich. Akira tells Kento that he was only attracted to him because Kento looks like his lover who died three years ago. And then they run into said lover, with his terrifying wife and three kids. Not dead at all. And he looks like a doofus. Akira also does little things to spite Kento’s much-loved grandparents, and he’s moody and kind of bitchy, but also pretty sweet, sometimes. Sort of like a real person. And Kento is believably kind of a well-intentioned but emotionally clumsy guy’s guy who is, at the beginning of the story, firmly stuck in a self-centered and juvenile worldview. And they fall in love and make each other better people. It’s funny and exaggerated, but the real power is in how real Kunieda makes these characters.

The second story, “Winter Rabbit,” isn’t as good as “Future Lovers.” It’s shorter and less well developed. The drawing isn’t as good. It’s more hackneyed, and the characters don’t feel as well thought out. It isn’t a washout, though. The characters don’t do exactly what you expect them to, and the well-worn finish – the two characters get together at the end and promise to live happily ever after – plays a little less trite and a little more kinky to me because the couple in question were raised as brothers. (That’s a fairly common yaoi plot device and I don’t think it’s meant to seem as odd as I find it.) Also, the snow rabbit – that is quality cuteness.

future lovers

The author’s notes at the end of Volume 1 deserve a shout-out, too. These are the best author’s notes I have ever read. She discusses men’s underwear and asks why in the 21st century would a man wear white briefs, and then goes on to discuss what kinds of underwear her characters would wear. This is all illustrated, by the way. Then she moves on to a meditation about men’s body hair: “Characters that I think would have underarm hair, leg hair and chest hair really trouble me.”

future lovers

Chorkle.

Morpheus Strip: Dream Is Dead (All Hail Dream)

This is the last in a roundtable on Neil Gaiman’s Sandman series. There’s lots of good stuff in the previous posts (too much good stuff, perhaps, but such is the danger of going last). If you haven’t already, take a look at:
Noah’s “Dream Lovers,” Suat’s “Impressions of Sandman,” Tom’s “Post-modern Something,” and Vom Marlowe’s “Revisiting Old Lives.”

****

Like everyone else in the world, I loved Sandman when it first came out. I have all the collected volumes but one (more on that later), and while I haven’t reread any of them, I do still think of some of the stories and characters sometimes. (Which would especially impress you if you had any idea of the mental chaos I fight daily just to remember to, say, eat lunch – although if you’ve followed Gluey Tart at all, you no doubt do have some idea.) So, I remember the whole thing fondly but was a bit worried that stirring it up again would just make everyone unhappy, like visiting my home town or listening to ‘80s Aerosmith (and ‘90s or, quelle horreur, ‘00s Aerosmith is obviously not even on the table).

Mostly, though, I was just excited about figuring out where the hell that enormous stack of Sandman books was and digging in. On top of a bookcase, it turned out, and not under a huge, dusty, towering stack of God knows what, like almost everything else I look for. And I realize that there are books on top of these stacks, and everything can’t always actually be on the bottom, but sometimes I wonder if they don’t migrate there on their own, trying to hide from me – something that could easily happen in Sandman, now that I think about it. I decided to look at the two Orpheus stories because I particularly liked those. (They’re in Fables and Reflections and Brief Lives, if you’d like to read them yourself.) Or maybe I’d pick something else – I didn’t know. (I often don’t; I prefer to think of it as being flexible.) But I flipped through the books in order and, good lord, that is some lousy-ass art. I mean, a jittery, shifting every few pages, unnervingly bad collection of art. A Game of You is the worst – that one doesn’t just make me just cringe but also makes me fucking angry about its really excessive badness. I kept thinking no, this is really so bad I can’t quite bring myself to spend quality time with it.

sandman

I remember having problems with a lot of the art in Sandman the first time around – the overall quality (by which I mean the lack thereof), but also the startling shifts in style and character design in mid-arc. Like these three consecutive pages:

sandman

sandman

sandman

No, of course it isn’t all horrible. (I like two of the those last three pages, and don’t mind the other.) But a lot of it is. And if it bothered me then, it freaks me the hell out now, having since discovered manga and becoming accustomed to the joys of consistency and artistic whatsit. So I riffled through every volume until I found one that I liked the look of pretty consistently.

Unfortunately, that volume was the second to the last, The Kindly Ones. This is unfortunate in several respects:

1) It is an endgame sort of volume that heavily references and wraps up a number of previous storylines, few of which I remembered as well as I needed to.
2) Morpheus fucking dies. I hate that.
3) See point 1. This collection isn’t boring, but it does feel like more of a settling of accounts than an exciting bit of fantasy, and you kind of have to read the whole thing – there isn’t a shorter piece that holds up on its own in this volume.
4) Morpheus dies. Did I mention that already? I loved Morpheus, in all his enigmatic, usually barely there but always wonderfully Goth manifestations. Morpheus dying is counter to my personal agenda.

Let us tackle these points in order, you and I.

1) Reading Sandman always reminded me of reading Ezra Pound, except that I like Neil Gaiman, while I always sort of wanted to kick Ezra Pound’s ass. What I mean is that Gaiman throws in all these allusions to various mythological and historical high points, and you won’t really understand what’s going on if you don’t get those connections – much like Pound, of course, but ramped down a couple hundred decibels. Gaiman doesn’t reference anything really obscure, and, you know, nothing’s actually written in Greek. So that puts it in a whole other and hugely more acceptable level of pretentiousness right there. Also, Gaiman has so much fun with it, you wind up having fun with it, too. It isn’t “See ye these literary allusions and weep in terror at my big old brain.” It’s more like, “Oh, my God, and then the ravens, the ravens are so cool, and wait, wait, Loki! See what I did there! Oh that’s so cool! And that could tie in with…”

2) I was, and remain, in love with Morpheus. He was written beautifully, if not always drawn beautifully. He is ambiguous – his relationships with the other characters aren’t often clear, or his motivations, or his intent. I often want to scream at writers to please shut up – stop telling me about the damned character. I don’t need to know everything. I want there to be some mystery in our relationship, just like in real life. It’s hard to retain the ambiguity and keep hold of the character, I know – too much information and you feel like a six-year-old has been tugging at your arm and filling you in on all the complexities of the Transformers for several hours; too little information and you don’t care because you never connected with the character in the first place. More people should try, though. Reading Sandman might help.

Morpheus talks a lot about the rules, and the following thereof, and the doing of what must be done. A beautiful example of this is the action that drives the last nail in his coffin. He gives Nuala a pendant when she leaves the Dreaming, telling her he’ll come if she calls him. To grant a boon of some sort. This is one of the many complicated plot points that lead directly to Morpheus’ death. I’m not saying much about any of them because who has the time? This one, though, might bear some explication. Nuala, a fairie who’d been given to Dream in an earlier story, loves Morpheus and mopes around a lot, pining for him. When her brother shows up unexpectedly to take her back to Fairie, she lets Morpheus decide if she stays or goes. He cuts her loose. As a result, later, when Nuala learns Morpheus is in trouble, she summons him – at the worst possible time – hoping to save him by getting him to stay with her. By asking him to love her. Well, who hasn’t had the impulse? It never works for any of us, and Nuala is no exception. This is all very poignant, etc. etc. What I love about it is that Morpheus comes when she calls him. The Dreaming is being pulled down around his ears, but he’d be safe if he stayed put. He tells her the timing sucks, but when she insists, he goes, knowing the furies will take the Dreaming in his absence. I don’t love this because, oh, it’s so romantic (wibble wibble). I mean, it’s hard not to be annoyed with both of them, on that level. I love it because I believe Morpheus when he gives his reason for doing it – there are rules, and they must be followed. Some might say, well, perhaps an exception might be made in this case. I see the logic, but I’m utterly charmed by Morpheus’ failure to compromise. I have a great deal of sympathy for that position. Of course, he sort of does become someone else in the end, anyway. But it’s all, you know. Ambiguous.

dream

3) The Kindly Ones isn’t the most exciting Sandman collection, but it is still fantastic fantasy. It’s the kind of thing you read on the train for fifteen minutes, and then you get off the train downtown and walk onto the dimly lit platform and start looking around for Norse gods or sentient crows or faeries or something.

4) Morpheus’ death comes as no surprise. There’s a lot of foreshadowing in all shades from really obscure to ham-fisted like an ultra-conservative Republican state representative, but it’s still a shock when it happens. I like the way it’s portrayed, too. A light flashes, and goes out. And Dream the Endless is gone. And everything else goes on. Which is just exactly how death works.

Whenever Death (the character) tells someone they got what everybody gets – a lifetime – I think of the Stephen Crane story, “The Open Boat.” The theme of that story being, basically, “it is what it is.” The tie-in is obvious: nature doesn’t care, and death does her job, because that’s what she is. In The Kindly Ones, Morpheus talked a lot about fulfilling his responsibilities, and many characters questioned his motives. Did you do this on purpose? Do you want to die? One of the many bits of foreshadowing comes via Loki, a divine trickster, but not in a fun, gentle, let’s exploit Native American legends and wear dream-catcher earrings sort of way. Morpheus is the reason Loki is out in the world and wreaking havoc (on Morpheus, as it turns out) instead of being tied by his son’s entrails under the earth with snake venom dripping down on him for eternity, where he belongs. The Corinthian (sort of the ultimate walking nightmare, which Morpheus recreates toward the beginning of this collection) steals Loki’s eyes and breaks his neck, and Odin and Thor take Loki back to the underworld to tie him back down. Loki tries to get the dim-witted Thor to kill him, but Odin intervenes, and Loki isn’t able to escape his fate worse than death. Because Loki is a god, and that’s what’s proper. Morpheus (who is not a god, but the distinction is – well, indistinct) is able to escape, though. What does that mean? I don’t know. That’s how death works, too.

I refused to read the last Sandman collection, The Wake, when it came out. At the end of The Kindly Ones, another character takes over the dreaming (Daniel, who’s never done anything to me, but I hate him anyway – see points 2 and 4 – even though he becomes basically a new version of Morpheus – but it’s sort of like reincarnation in Buddhism, where the flame goes out, and the flame is reignited, but it’s not really the same flame). Sandman was about Morpheus for me, and when Morpheus died, I didn’t want anything else to do with it. Which was really quite emo of me. But it’s also a testament to what Neil Gaiman did with this series, even saddled with a collection of crappy art he had to drag around behind him like the rotting carcass of a castrated ox (or some other foul, unwieldy dead ungulate of your choice). I hesitate to use the “t” word, but in Sandman, Neil Gaiman created something transcendent, in its way. Not “I’m going hire a lawyer to help me set up a religion” transcendent, but something that somewhat extends the limits of ordinary experience.

sandman

Gluey Tart: Kiss All the Boys

Photobucket
Shiuko Kano, 2008, Deux Press

I was deeply confused by this three-book series, but in a good way. Mostly. I avoided Kiss All the Boys for a while, despite my love for Shiuko Kano, because – I don’t know. I’m up for many forms of kink. Kink me, I usually say. But I was worried about many things. The picture on the back cover of the first volume, for one.

kiss the boys

I’m all for cross dressing, but I never developed a taste for young boys in girls’ school uniforms. Maybe it’s those baggy socks. But the big, adult-looking hand lifting up the skirt is really kind of the last straw of squick here.

And then there’s, oh, the plot. (Spoilers ho; if you’re sensitive about being spoiled, you’ll want to hop off the bus now. Bye! Be sure to get some breakfast – it’s the most important meal of the day!) Here is my short, concise, and entirely to-the-point synopsis. Pornographer’s gay son comes to live with him, displaying a truly alarming level of sexual precociousness; pornographer is unpleasantly homophobic and also battling impotence, which is played for laughs in a way I don’t quite know how to deal with; pornographer’s son brings home his crush object, his cute’n’clueless best friend; pornographer snipes mercilessly at son; pornographer accidentally winds up jerking off a male stranger in a movie theater (and, you know, somehow that has never happened to me); the stranger falls in love with the pornographer AND winds up being his new neighbor; the pornographer has sex with his new neighbor and gets caught by his son; the son hits on his friend and sends said friend running, screaming, into the street (that’s never happened to me, either, but I’ve come a lot closer to this than the other scenario); the pornographer chases down the friend and accidentally comforts him; the pornographer finds out that his friend and editor who is also the son’s uncle is in love with the pornographer, sending the pornographer running, screaming, into the street; the pornographer finally cruelly dumps his neighbor, who surprisingly and for no obvious reason winds up with the best friend, who I was sure was going to wind up with the pornographer; the son winds up not with the clueless object of crush, which I also thought was a sure thing, but instead with the pornographer’s kind of skeevy replacement editor, who shows up after the pornographer’s best friend quits after the pornographer runs screaming into the street after he finds out his friend loves him; as a bonus surprise, the son turns out not to be alarmingly sexually precocious at all but actually a virgin, which the skeevy new editor cures him of, so we don’t get total relief on the whole kind of disturbing underage sex front; and, just to prove that, the pornographer winds up with the son’s dorky, innocent, underage crush.

kiss the boys

I’m going to give you all a few moments to catch your breath; I know I’m feeling a little winded.

OK. If you made it all the way through that plot summary, you now understand two things. Thing one: There is a certain amount of dubious sexual content in these books. Not dubious as in dubious consent – although there’s a sprinkling of that, too – but dubious as in “I don’t know, that might not be hot so much as kind of gross.”

kiss the boys

Thing two: Oh my God! It’s like Kano took everything she had left in her refrigerator, then raided her neighbors’ houses and took everything they had in their refrigerators, and diced it all up into a huge bowl, and then had to go find a bigger bowl because the first bowl wasn’t big enough, and then had to divide it up into both bowls because otherwise she couldn’t add the salad dressing, and then she threw both bowls up into the air at the same time, creating a whirling salad storm that was so all-encompassing, all you can do is roll around in the salad and laugh uncontrollably.

Or maybe that’s just me. It’s kind of a salad day here in Chicago, hot and humid, and I could really use some lunch.

Anyway. This series is funny and squicky and messy, and the squicky and messy are there on purpose to add bite to the funny. And let’s not forget the sex (as if you could; Kano creates some, shall we say, vivid scenarios). There’s lots of it, and despite my initial reservations (and the invisi-penis syndrome) ( and step right this way for a discussion on yaoi conventions re. the handling of the penis), I finished the series happy and not permanently damaged by anything I’d seen. That might not sound like a ringing endorsement, but it is. This series is sort of like watching clips of Bam Margera skateboarding . You think, oh, he’s kind of nasty, but he does have that adorable relationship with Ville Valo from HIM, and Ville Valo is surreally hot, and Bam is kind of amazing on the skateboard, and it’s a little bit satisfying watching him wipe out, too, and overall, well – yeah.

You will have no doubt noted that I have invoked both salad gone wild and Bam Margera in my attempt to describe these books. All I can say is, if that doesn’t make you want to read them, I don’t know what would. I’ve done my best.

Gluey Tart: Black Sun

black sun
Uki Ogasawara, Black Sun, 2008, 801 Media, Inc.

I can’t even think about this title without kind of flapping my hands and sputtering a bit. It’s – yes. Well. It is not for those of you who don’t appreciate your explicit content; nor is it for those of you who don’t have a healthy tolerance for dubcon. (Some would call it non-consensual, or noncon, but I think, in context, there really is dubious consent, or dubcon). You’ll also need to have a healthy tolerance for general absurdity, historical mishigas, and borderline racism. But presumably the yaoi fans among us are not dismayed by that sort of thing.

The story is set during the Crusades. This is just – think about this. A sweeping manporn tale of the forbidden love between a Christian knight and a Turkish general during the Crusades. It’s absurd to take yaoi history remotely seriously, but I just can’t stop myself from pointing out here that the point of the Crusades was for Europe to recapture the Holy Land from Muslim rule. Now, think about this in the context of the untenable position the Western world now finds itself in re. the Middle East. It adds texture.

Deus lo volt!

OK. I’m not going to say anything else about that.

I do want to mention the whole Japanese mangaka picking out European names thing, though. It’s wonderful. In this story, our uke (or bottom) is Prince Leonard de Limbourg, a monastic knight from Gerun Fortress. At first glance I thought someone was finally paying tribute to the gerund, a wonderful and under-appreciated part of speech, but alas, no. The Turkish general is Jamal Jan, which sounds like an old-school rap compilation. Another Western character is named Nicolaides Vassilios.

But let’s talk about the dubcon. I mean, the plot. Within the first thirty pages of the manga, Leonard has surrendered and Jamal has had his filthy way with him, in front of the troops. Huh, you might be saying. That sounds like rape. Rape is non-consensual. And yes, in the real world, it very much is. In yaoi, though, there’s a subgenre of uke who thinks he doesn’t want it but really needs a strong man to take him and thus show him what he really wanted all along. No, no, no, you’re saying. That’s still rape. That’s exactly the excuse rapists use. And yes, you’re right again. In the real world, this scenario is indefensible. In anything anyone might take remotely seriously, I’d have intractable problems with it. But in yaoi, and especially a title as over the top as this, it doesn’t bother me as a fantasy trope. You might feel differently – which is why I point out, prominently, that the relationship and the rest of the plot is built on what happens in this scene.

If this is something you can fantasize about, there’s plenty of, er, meat to this story. Oh, my God, the sex. Lots and lots of sex. Hugely embarrassing to try and read on the train, let me tell you. Penises everywhere. It seemed like every time I turned that page, I thought I was safe, but – no! Erection in panel two! Glistening bare buttocks in panel five! Unexpected fellatio in the full-page panel on the left! Black Sun is a full-body aerobic workout.

black sun

The art is good, too – and did I say explicit? No columns of light here. Very realistic naughty bits everywhere you look. It’s difficult to get past that, but there are also some wonderfully expressive faces – and pretty, too. Very, very pretty. And, um, elaborate costuming. I especially like the burlesque biking costume Leonard is sporting toward the end of the book.

black sun

And at the end, the entire manga is hijacked by a minor but pivotal turn by Nicolaides’ pet panther. From the panther’s point of view. I will not diminish its greatness by even attempting to describe it, but I do suggest that if you decide this title is not your cup of massively politically incorrect and potentially post-traumatic stress syndrome-inducing tea, you might want to pluck it off the bookstore shelf and read the panther story on the last few pages of the book.

black sun

Gluey Tart: Archie’s Double Dip

archie width =

Before anyone becomes horribly disturbed, this is not a yaoi title. I just gave in to a fit of sentimental whatsit. I’ve been doing that, lately. I also bought People magazine’s tribute to Farrah Fawcett. I loved “Charlie’s Angels” when I was little. I collected pictures of Farrah, and I recognized every one of the ’70s pictures in the magazine. Reading this magazine was a very emotional experience. Cathartic. I’m feeling a little verklempt, just thinking about it.

So, when I was at the comics rack at Borders the other day, desperately pawing through it to try and find something suitable for my young son, I paused dramatically at the Archie titles. Because I loved Archie comics when I was little, too. Even more than Farrah. So, overwhelmed with nostalgia, I picked up Archie’s Double Dip, evidently a Very Special Issue (the 200th, according to the excitable little yellow burst on the cover). I was curious about this, and alarmed. Because apparently, Archie Comics Online and Its Affiliated Companies have decided Archie needs a Dynamic New Look. The classic Dan Decarlo look, degraded as it has become, is apparently just too distinctive. Archie is being mainstreamed.

Woe!

It’s just the cover and the first story. It isn’t a no-going-back kind of thing; I imagine they’ll dump it as a failed experiment if people hate it. Or they’ll usher everything into the Borg collective, if people love it. Hard as that is to contemplate. Because, good grief, look at this. Here’s the second page.

archie

The artist is Norm Breyfogle, and I’m thinking he should have maybe turned down this gig. I’m not intimately familiar with his work, but he’s done a lot of Batman, and let us just say he seems much more comfortable with the pointy ears and the swishy capes. That’s Betty’s dad in the middle panel, apparently having an epileptic seizure. It’s as if drawing the drama of dad stealing some cake is so ordinary we’re maybe overcompensating a little. I love this ad, too.

archie

Betty: “Is this really goodbye forever?”
Archie: “Holy shit, is that a centipede on the ceiling? It’s enormous!”

And, here.

[archie

What the hell happened to Archie’s chin? And Betty looks like a sex doll with the head put on askew. Is this what the kids are into, these days?

I realize it’s a desperate attempt to sell more comics, by any means necessary, and not a dark plot to indoctrinate girls into the ugly that is mainstream comics art. At least, I assume that’s the case. I guess if it is a dark plot, that’s actually kind of cool, although I sort of hope it doesn’t work.

Gluey Tart: Yakuza in Love

yakuza in love
Yakuza in Love
Shiuko Kano, Deux Press, 2008

Love. Really – love. Hand-flailing, stupid grinning, trying to cover up the sex scenes with my hand on the crowded train love. I love Shiuko Kano – I love Tough Love Baby, and I love Kiss All the Boys. But I have a special love for this three-volume series. I mean, yakuza. In love. If you need much more than that, you’re a hard woman or man indeed.

Yes, yes, I know; it could have all failed miserably. Of course it could have. But it didn’t. It’s brilliant. The art is consistently good, with a slightly sort of hard-boiled style that reminds me of boy’s manga (you know – sort of), and the splash pages are so amazingly awesome I kind of swoon over them. The story is as funny and sexy and goofy as you could hope a title called Yakuza in Love would be.

Let me be completely clear: This is a ridiculous series. There are good gangsters, who are honorable and kind, and bad gangsters, who do bad things. That’s one of the reasons it works – the ridiculous holds together so well, is so seamless, that it is unassailable. It’s a smooth, perfectly spackled, freshly painted wall of ridiculous. And it thrills me. It reminds me of what I love so much about this genre – lovable characters who teeter precariously but don’t quite fall off a sheer cliff of absurdity. Also, batshit crazy plots and even crazier subplots, all mixed liberally with unapologetically over-the-top romance and hot sex. Really, Yakuza in Love is a delight, all three volumes of it. Order it right now, before Deux goes out of business. Seriously.

Wait just a minute, I hear you saying. I love Deux, too, but that’s $35.85, plus tax and/or shipping. It’s a recession, you dizzy tart. I need serious persuasion to lay down that kind of money. OK – I hear you. Here, without further teasing, is the “ZOMG You Really Need YIL in your Life, Buy It Now or I Swear to God I’ll Use More Acronyms” list.

1) The main character is a doofy, coltish baby gangster with a huge, cross-shaped scar on his face (like Kenshin!!!!!). He rises quickly in the organization – which is named the Flower Gang (which may not actually be funny in Japan but made me giggle happily) – because he saves the boss’ life. Not because he’s bad (well, maybe in the Michael Jackson sense of “I’m bad”), but because he shoves the boss aside when he’s about to step on a baby bird. (It’s one ugly-ass little bird, too.)

Photobucket

Every time I think about this page, I die again.

2) Cute, doofy, scar-faced baby bird saver picks up an older, mature, more gangster-like gangster (not picks up as in, “Hey baby, I’ve got a daddy complex, buy me a drink?” but as in driving the car to prison and holding the door open so the guy can get in). Tall, dark, and good-looking the younger falls in love with tall, dark, and good-looking the elder at first sight, complete with staring at him in the rear-view mirror and blushing. If you cross yourself at the thought of a daddy set-up, I’m right there with you, but this – is adorable.

3) The old-fashioned, good gangsters are honorable and promote chivalry.

yakuza in love

The bad, decadent new gangsters traffic in bad and decadent things like snuff films. Come on. Snuff films! This is good stuff. (Lighten up, y’all – they don’t really exist. They’re an urban myth. It’s OK to laugh.)

4) Dog reaction shot.

yakuza in love

5) Trans characters who are, yes, played for laughs, but arguably not more than any of the other characters. There’s a trans character with a small but important part who’s extremely likable and not treated like a freak. And within the context of the story, manly gangsters going to the trans bar is not considered exceptional behavior. This pleases me.

6) These gangsters are not afraid to show their emotions. They are very sensitive gangsters indeed. It is – you know what’s coming – adorable.

7) Super alternate ending, with absurdity warning!

OK. If you need more persuading, this series is obviously not for you. I can’t quite fathom how this could be, but I dimly understand that people do occasionally disagree with me. Go in peace anyway.

yakuza in love