Ten Types of Stupid

 

Stupidity Type I: The Thoughtless Consumer

Last Saturday I purchased a ticket for Transformers 3: Dark Side of the Moon. I admit that I did this of my own free will, even though I knew the movie was about robots that turn into overpriced toys, and even though I was supporting the career of Michael Bay. I was bored, my friends were bored, and we had disposable income that must be spent.

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Stupidity Type II: Jingoism

The Autobots (good Transformers) are apparently working for the U.S. government, which includes destroying an “illegal” nuclear weapon site in “The Middle East.” I’m fairly certain there’s more than one country in “The Middle East,” but the movie doesn’t specify which one. Nor does it specify under which law the nuclear site is “illegal,” but I’m going to assume its the Muslims Can’t Have Anything Unless We Say So Act (MCHAUWSSA). But all that really matters is that the Autobots blow up some uppity brown people, proving that they’re the good guys.

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Stupidity Type III: Pathetic Male Fantasies

Shia LaBeouf returns as Sam Witwicky, who’s in a serious relationship with The Girl (I can’t remember the character’s name, and it doesn’t really matter). The Girl is insanely gorgeous, gainfully employed, and quite wealthy, given that she can afford a building (not just an apartment, an entire fucking building) in the heart of Washington, D.C. Sam is average-looking, unemployed, and spends the first hour of the movie constantly complaining that the world does not appreciate his awesomeness. Naturally, The Girl is crazy about Sam. She allows him to live rent free in her palace, props up his ego by getting herself captured (so he can rescue her), and she spends the entire movie reassuring him that he is, indeed, awesome, despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

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Stupidity Type IV: Infantile Nostalgia

Leonard Nimoy does the voice of Sentinel Prime. Or maybe it was Spock Prime, I can’t remember. More importantly, Nimoy also did a voice in the animated Transformers movie back in 1986. Do you know who else was in it? Robert Stack! And Judd Nelson! And Eric Idle! And Casey Kasem! And Orson Welles! And the soundtrack had a song by Weird Al’ Yankovic! That shit was cool. Oh, and one of the characters actually said “shit,” which was also cool. Best. Transformers movie. Ever.

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Stupidity Type V: Homophobia

The last Transformers movie was racist. But mocking black people through jive-talking robots is no longer acceptable. It’s okay to mock gay people though, because queerness is funny. Like the scene where the crazy Chinese guy drops his pants and rubs up against Witwicky in the workplace bathroom, and then his boss (John Malkovitch!) walks in, and he thinks Witwicky is gay! It’s funny because Witwicky is a supermodel-dating straight dude. And there’s the character named Dutch (played by Alan Tudyk, for all you Browncoats), who’s the very exemplar of the mincing queer stereotype. The movie doesn’t overtly acknowledge that he’s gay though, because that would make people uncomfortable.

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Stupidity Type VI: Enthusiasm for Mass Destruction

I’m glad that Chicago got fucked up. Every alien invasion movie takes place in either New York or Washington. America has plenty of great cities, and they deserve to be devastated too.

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Stupidity Type VII: Music Videos

Michael Bay began his career doing music videos, which is where he learned that no shot should last more than three seconds. Who needs pacing or spatial relationships when you have rapid-fire editing to remind you that every scene is just as exciting as the last one? One hour into this extended music video and I started to feel dizzy. Another hour in and my eyes felt like they were popping out of my skull. And there was still another half hour to go. By the end of the movie my brain was leaking out my ears but at least it no longer hurt.

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Stupidity Type VIII: Bill O’Reilly

Bill O’Reilly has a cameo.

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Stupidity Type IX: Anthropocentrism

In a movie called Transformers, you would think that the big climax would involve the titular Transformers. But actually, the big climax is a fight between Witwicky and McDreamy (a.k.a. Patrick Dempsey). Someone thought that the audience actually wanted to see that rather than more scenes of giant robots smashing Chicago. I find that doubtful, but maybe people hate Grey’s Anatomy so much they want to see McDreamy beaten up by the crappy lead character? I’ve never watched Grey’s Anatomy so I can’t say I hate it, but I do hate the nickname McDreamy. The point is humans always have to be the center of the story, even when they all suck.

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Stupidity Type X: It’s Not Evil When Good Guys Do It

At the end of the film, Optimus Prime kills Spock Prime. And it isn’t “heat of battle” killing. It’s “busting a cap in Spock’s head while he’s injured and begging for mercy” killing. But it’s okay, because Optimus is the good guy. And after 157 minutes of mind-numbing idiocy, would it really be appropriate to include an ending with taste, decency, and a modicum of intelligence? This was the only way Transformers 3 could end and remain true to its principles.

Your Favorite Uncle – Uncle Sam in Posters, Cartoons, and Comics

According to the Internets, Uncle Sam was the unintended creation of Samuel Wilson, who inspected meat purchased by the U.S. government during the War of 1812. Wilson’s assistant, Elbert Anderson, would ship him barrels of meat stamped with “E.A.” and “U.S.” The meat-packers working for Anderson had no idea what “U.S.” stood for until some smart-ass decided that it meant “Uncle Sam.” The joke spread along with the meat, and a national character was born. To celebrate Independence Day, here is a collection of Uncle Sam images from various print media.

1800s

In Harper’s Weekly (1862)

CAPTION: “Go ahead, Boys: I’ll take care of the Wives and Babies. GOD bless you!”

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In Harper’s Weekly (1864)

CAPTION: (to Young John Bull). “There, JACKY—there’s one of Daboll’s New Fog-Whistles for you. You’re always in a Fog about our affairs, you know. Now go and blow it upon Cape Race, and say it was UNCLE SAM sent you.”

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By Thomas Nast in Harper’s Weekly (1869)

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By Thomas Nast (1876)

CAPTION: “CUR-TAIL-PHOBIA. — U.S. ‘Because he steals? You are, as usual, ‘Mr. Statesman,at the wrong end.'”

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By Grant Hamilton in Judge Magazine (1884)

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By Joseph Keppler in Puck Magazine (1895)

TITLE: “Uncle Sam’s Dream of Conquest and Carnage – Caused by Reading the Jingo Newspapers”

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In The Ram’s Horn (1896)

CAPTION: “EMIGRANT – ‘Can I come in?’ UNCLE SAM – ‘I ‘spose you can; there’s no law to keep you out.”

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In Sound Money (1896)

CAPTION: Cleveland holds Uncle Sam back while Spain pays old Rothschild’s bonds with Cuban blood.”

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By William Allen Rogers (1898)

TITLE: “Uncle Sam’s New Class in the Art of Self-Government

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Early 1900s

By Emil Flohri in Judge Magazine (1907)

TITLE: “Uncle Sam – ‘I didn’t do that way with Cuba'”

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By J.K. Renour in Puck Magazine (1911)

TITLE: (J.P. Morgan) – “The Helping Hand”

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Poster by James Montgomery Flagg (1917)

Originally the cover for the July 6, 1916 issue of Leslie’s Weekly.

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Poster by James Montgomery Flagg (1918)

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Poster by W. Carson (1918)

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By Norman Rockwell in The Saturday Evening Post (1928)

TITLE: “Uncle Sam Takes Wings”

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1930s

By Miguel Covarrubias (1933)

TITLE: “The Wailing Wall of Gold”

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By Paulo Garretto in Vanity Fair (1934)

TITLE: “The Tattooed Man”

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By Berry Ardin (?) in LIFE Magazine (1934)

TITLE: “Dr. New Deal”

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By Frank Lea in The Country Gentleman (1936)

TITLE: “Which Way to Prosperity?”

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1940s

Cover by Lou Fine (1940)

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Cover by Jack Binder (1942)

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Cover by Gill Fox (1942)

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Cover by Reed Crandall (1942)

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Poster by McClelland Barclay (1942)

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Poster by N.C. Wyeth (1943)

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Cover by Alex Kotzky (1944)

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Poster by James Montgomery Flagg (1944)

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By Kukryniksy in Krokodil (1947)

TITLE: “Equal Partners” (addressing the creation of NATO)

Kukryniksy was the pen name for three cartoonists who worked for the Moscow satirical paper, Krokodil.

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1950s

By Jerry Costello (c. 1950)

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Art by unknown (c. 1950s?)

CAPTION: “Don’t Misbehave!”

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By D.R. Fitzpatrick (1951)

TITLE: “The Firing of McArthur”

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By John Fischetti for Collier’s (1953)

TITLE: “Time for a New Declaration”

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1960s

By John Collins (1960)

TITLE: “Look, I have a beard too!”

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By The Vietnam Solidarity Campaign (1967)

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By Herbert Block in The Washington Post (1968)

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Cover by Norman Mingo (1969)

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1970s

Poster by The Committee to Help Unsell the Vietnam War (1971)

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Cover by Nick Cardy (1973)

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Cover by Ernie Chan (1976)

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Cover by Rich Buckler and Vince Colletta (1976)

Freedom Fighters was canceled by issue 15.

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1980s

By Ray Osrin in The Plain Dealer (1980)

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Cover by Gil Kane (1983)

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Cover by Jerry Ordway (1984)

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Cover by Lorenz (1988)

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1990s

By Mischa Richter in The New Yorker (1991)

CAPTION: (Lady Liberty to Uncle Sam) “I say we renounce world leadership and just have fun.”

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Cover by Alex Ross (1997)

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2000s

By Gary Varvel in The Indianapolis Star (2001)

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Wallpaper by Alex Ross (c. 2001)

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Cover by Daniel Acuna (2006)

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Cover by Dave Johnson (2007)

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By Nick Craig (2008)

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By Pat Bagley in The Salt Lake Tribune (2008)

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By Mike Keefe in The Denver Post (2011)

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By Nate Beeler in The Washington Examiner (2011)

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Many of the earliest Uncle Sam images were found at SonoftheSouth.net

The cover of National Comics #26 now correctly attributed.

Snap Judgments: Five DC Reboots

The comics blogosphere can’t stop talking about the DC Comics reboot in September. Some bloggers are cheering. Others are jeering. But anyone can offer a general impression. A true comics blogger explains why something sucks, and then explains how everything would be better if said blogger was in charge.

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Action Comics #1
Written by Grant Morrison
Art by Rags Morales and Rick Bryant

Pros
Grant Morrison has written great superhero comics.
And lots of people seem to really like Morrison’s All-Star Superman.

Cons
The unbearable Modern Myth/Super Jesus/Underwear Messiah garbage.
And All-Star Superman was incredibly overrated.

Odds That It Will Suck
High. In his 70+ year history, Superman has starred in about 5 good comics. The rest are about why the world “needs” Superman and his crappy merchandise.

How I Would Make It Better
Superman is an escapist fantasy about male potency, which is why Action Comics should be an adult comic. Every issue should be 22 pages of hardcore sex where Superman fucks his way through Lois, Lana, Lex, Jimmy Olsen, Martha Kent, Krypto, and consequently saves the world. Superman isn’t Jesus Christ. He’s Ron Jeremy-meets-Arnold Schwarzenegger.

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Wonder Woman #1
Written by Brian Azzarello
Art by Cliff Chiang

Pros
Azzarello has written some good (crime) comics.
I like Cliff Chiang’s artwork, if for no other reason than it doesn’t look like everyone else’s artwork.
The new costume is a slight improvement over the last new costume.

Cons
Azzarello has written some terrible (superhero) comics.

Odds That It Will Suck
Super high. When it comes to crappy comics, Wonder Woman has an even worse track record than Superman. Nobody at DC knows what to do with this character.

How I Would Make It Better
I’m tempted to just write “make it porn” for each these. But in all seriousness, the only way that Wonder Woman would ever be good again is if William Marston came back from the grave. The next best alternative would be to find a writer who has a similar personality to Marston: feminist, polygamist, BDSM enthusiast, lesbian fetishist, furry, all-around pervert and political visionary, etc.

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Teen Titans #1
Written by Scott Lobdell
Art by Brett Booth and Norm Rapmund

Pros
Lobdell has experience writing teen superheros, going back to Generation X.

Cons
Generation X was actually kinda boring.
Superboy is not and will never be badass, no matter how many ‘tats he has.

Odds That It Will Suck
Very high. Teen Titans was tolerable for about 3 years in the early 1980s. Everything before and after was a miserable failure.

How I Would Make It Better
The core problem with Teen Titans is that it’s never been about teenagers, but rather what adult writers want teenagers to be. Superboy, Robin, Wonder Girl, Kid Flash – these kids revere their elders and try to emulate them. Fuck that noise. Adults don’t deserve reverence. Plus, teenagers don’t want to read about obedient, law-abiding teens, and adults reliving their youth don’t want to read about obedient, law-abiding teens. They both want sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll (or substitute in hip hop). The Titans shouldn’t be fighting crime, they should be fighting for the right to party, and generally reminding adults how much they suck.

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Batgirl #1
Written by Gail Simone
Art by Ardian Syaf and Vicente Cifuentes (cover by Adam Hughes)

Pros
Having a writer with an actual sense of humor never hurts.

Cons
Barbara Gordon can now walk again, which means DC eliminated one of the tiny handful of disabled heroes.
That Adam Hughes cover freaks me out. She keeps smiling at me with her cold, dead eyes…

Odds That It Will Suck
Medium. Batgirl is a fairly straightforward character who stars in straightforward adventures. No history of greatness, but no history of terribleness either.

How I Would Make It Better
Comics starring solo heroes often tend to be a dreary reads because the protagonist rarely has anyone to interact with. This leads to page after page of mind-numbing narration just so the writer can justify their wage. This book needs a big supporting cast, preferably other superheroines who accompany Batgirl on her adventures. So it would essentially be Birds of Prey with Batgirl. And like Birds of Prey, there should be plenty of lesbian subtext, because lesbian subtext improves everything.

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Swamp Thing #1
Written by Scott Snyder
Art by Yanick Paquette

Pros
I’m drawing a blank here…

Cons
Mediocre writer, mediocre artist, a character who is ill-served by being dragged back into mainstream superhero comics.

Odds That It Will Suck
Certainty. Alan Moore is a tough act to follow. And outside of Moore’s run, Swamp Thing doesn’t have a rich history to draw from.

How I Would Make It Better
Well, I probably wouldn’t make it at all. But if I had to, I’d shamelessly rip off the best parts of Moore’s run. At minimum, the comic should have purple prose, leftist politics, and psychedelic yam sex.

X-Men: First Class Grades on a Curve

X-Men: First Class
Directed by Matthew Vaughn
Starring…
James McAvoy (Prof. Charles Xavier)
Michael Fassbender (Magneto)
Kevin Bacon (Sebastian Shaw)
January Jones (Emma Frost)
Rose Byrne (Moira MacTaggert)
Jennifer Lawrence (Mystique)

[Spoilers ahead, you have been warned]

Another weekend, another superhero movie. No magic hammers or wishing rings in this one. Instead, there are mutants, Soviets, and Kevin Bacon. The story is a jumble of three loosely related plots: the origin story of Prof. Xavier and the X-Men, the efforts by Xavier and company to foil Sebastian Shaw’s genocidal plans, and (by far the best storyline) Magneto’s quest for vengeance against Shaw (a Nazi collaborator). All that, plus a sexist homage to the Forgetfulness Kiss from Superman 2.

I’ll note that X-Men: First Class (XMFC) was better than Thor, though that’s setting the bar fairly low. And it was better than X-men Last Stand, though that’s setting the bar so low one has to be careful not to trip over it. Thor had a tedious moral about humility, but at the end of the day the movie was about nothing more complicated than Chris Hemsworth’s abs. XMFC is a movie that wants to express an opinion on important topics, including vengeance, intolerance, and minority rights. Like the comic it was based on, XMFC explores these topics through metaphor, but the results leave much to be desired.

Since it’s introduction, the X-Men comic has relied upon metaphor to imbue the concept of mutants with social relevance. In the early 60’s, the X-Men were a metaphor for the civil rights movement. Mutants were “hated and feared” by the rest of the world, but the X-Men fought to protect humanity and demonstrate that mutants could be loyal, tax-paying citizens. Mutants were black people … except that all the mutants were white. The comic celebrated tolerance, equality, and the loftier goals of the civil rights movement, but without ever acknowledging the movement’s existence. I’ll revisit this problem below.

Over the course of the 80’s and 90’s, the mutant metaphor shifted from race to queerness (this change was most evident in the Legacy Virus storyline, an HIV-like disease that only targeted mutants). The change may have been driven in part by a genuine commitment to LGBT rights, even at a time when public hostility to queerness was overt and widespread. But the shift was also necessitated by the success of the civil rights movement. In popular media, black characters were no longer relegated to the role of servant or comic relief. Even in the backwoods that is superhero comics, black heroes were becoming more numerous and prominent. The most prominent of all was the X-Men’s Storm, who led the team for nearly a decade. In a world with black heroes, addressing race issues primarily through metaphor is difficult to justify.*

The X-Men have always been a metaphor for teen alienation. While all teenagers occasionally feel hated or oppressed, most comic readers are nerds (also, geeks, dweebs, and dorks) who feel especially awkward and unappreciated. So what better escapist fantasy than a world where all the misfits have superpowers that they use to save the world? Plus, they get to hang out with their fellow (improbably attractive) misfits at a posh school called Hogwarts Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters. The makers of XMFC clearly understood the teen alienation metaphor, which was why all the mutants bitched and moaned about being freaks and outcasts. Then they went to the School for Gifted Youngsters, and they suddenly realized that they’re young, beautiful, and have awesome superpowers.

Yet for a film that’s set in the 60’s, there were surprisingly few references to the civil rights movement. Perhaps acknowledging the African American struggle for equal rights would raise too many questions, such as how would the emergence of a superhuman race affect relations between normal blacks and whites? Would race relations improve when faced with a common evolutionary threat? Or would ancient prejudices persist even within the mutant community? These are interesting questions to explore, but that would require a very different kind of movie (one where fewer things blow up).**

While it largely ignores race, XMFC takes full advantage of the queerness metaphor. Because mutants are hated and feared, they must find ways to blend in with the “norms,” though they do so only by denying who they truly are. Mystique’s character arc is largely an “out and proud” storyline. As a shapeshifter, she can easily blend in, but only by constantly hiding her natural, blue form. By the end of the film, she’s embraced her gorgeous blue self. There’s also a moment where Prof. Xavier accidentally “outs” another mutant who works for the CIA, which leads to a humorous dig at “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” And there’s an obvious overlap of the queerness metaphor with the teen metaphor. After all, what subset of teens feels more hated and misunderstood than those struggling with their sexual identity?

But metaphor only goes so far. As I mentioned above, the X-Men comic largely abandoned the civil rights metaphor as broader cultural attitudes changed and black characters entered the mainstream. Similarly, attitudes regarding the LGBT community have changed enormously over the past few decades. “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” will (probably, eventually, hopefully?) be repealed, and a majority of Americans now support gay marriage. So instead of veiled references to queerness, why not include an actual queer character in the ensemble cast? Hell, the film could have gone the safe route by including a lipstick lesbian. Not exactly freaking out the norms, but it’s better than nothing. I’ll also point out that  filmmakers can’t fall back on the excuse that the source material gives them nothing to work with. There are at least a handful of queer X-Men that I can name off the top of my head. Why not use Northstar? He’s gay … and Canadian! Who doesn’t like Canadians? But just as blacks were nonexistent in the early X-Men comics, so queers are nonexistent in XMFC. In all likelihood queer characters were excluded because of the fear that a sizable minority of consumers would refuse to see a movie that promoted “alternative lifestyles.” So the (presumably liberal) filmmakers expressed their support for LGBT rights, but only in a way that wouldn’t hurt profits. Using the mutant-as-queer metaphor seems less a subversive or daring act than a cowardly one.

X-Men: First Class reveals the limits of political expression in the current crop of big, summer blockbusters. Movies can toy with political views, but even the least controversial opinions must be expressed in a vague or indirect manner. It’s far safer, and more profitable, to pretend that you have no opinion at all.

 

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* There are thoughtful ways to use the mutant-as-minority race metaphor in the 21st century, and Grant Morrison did so during his X-Men run. But it requires an intelligent writer with an appreciation for how racial identity and race relations have evolved since the 60s.

** Even if the metaphor was present, it’s hard to overlook that, of the two mutants of color, one gets killed and the other goes evil. Celebrating racial equality in the abstract doesn’t mean much when characters of color are still thrown under the bus.

Thor: God of Thunder … God of Lightning!

Thor
Directed by Kenneth Branagh
Starring:
Chris Hemsworth (Thor)
Natalie Portman (Jane Foster)
Tom Hiddleston (Loki)
Anthony Hopkins (Odin)
Kat Dennings (Darcy)
Stellan Skarsgard (Erik Selvig)
Jaimie Alexander (Sif)
Rene Russo (Frigga)

Thor has always been the odd-man-out in the Marvel Universe. He was, quite obviously, inspired by Norse mythology, but most of his fellow superheroes originated in shitty sci-fi stories. Iron Man is a guy in a robotic suit, Spider-Man was bitten by a radioactive spider, the Fantastic Four were exposed to cosmic radiation, the X-Men are the next step in human evolution, etc. These sci-fi characters are more fantasy than science, but they’re rooted in a set of genre conventions that American nerds, long accustomed to questionable science in their fiction, accept without notice. But Norse mythology is this weird, funky thing over in the corner. It’s magical, and pagan, and rooted in a dead religion. And to make matters worse, the Norse gods don’t have the name recognition of their Greco-Roman counterparts. In a movie season already saturated with nerd bait, how would Marvel sell such an unusual character?

Marvel Studios and director Kenneth Branagh (a.k.a. that Shakespeare guy) never answer the above question, possibly because they never decided what kind of film they wanted to make. It’s one part high fantasy, one part parody of high fantasy, one part standard superhero film, and one part infomercial for upcoming superhero films. Mix it all together and you get a concoction that isn’t terrible, but it’s never as good as it could be.

First, the good. Thor has an actual sense of humor about itself. This title character does not brood atop rooftops while contemplating the delicate balance between civil liberties and costumed law enforcement. Thor prefers to hit things with his hammer, exclaims how awesome he is, and flirt with Natalie Portman (which seems a pretty sensible way to go through life if you’re a Norse god). And the film freely acknowledges the absurdity of space gods. The special effects look expensive but fake, and the armor and weapons look like toys. But that’s not a flaw, it’s a feature. After all, what the hell are Norse, techno-magical weapons supposed to look like? This is superhero-space god fantasy, not archaeology. Thor is shiny, plastic adventuring in the tradition of Flash Gordon. If only Branagh could have gotten Queen to do the soundtrack …

And the film isn’t exclusive about boys and their toys. There is plenty of action and several gorgeous women to gaze at, but the the filmmakers also threw in some light comedy and a genuinely sweet romance. And there is a gratuitous shirtless Thor scene that elicited several coos and whistles from the female half of the audience I was in.

Now, the bad. While Thor is goofy, it’s never as goofy as it could and should be. Why is Anthony Hopkins required to play such a somber Odin? There are a handful of glorious moments when Hopkins gets to chew the scenery, but the script demands that Odin be the voice of reason. Too bad, because a reasonable patriarch is a boring turd. Plus, while Asgard is garish and weird, it’s never used in an imaginative way. There are no surreal moments or logic-defying architecture. Despite being a fantasy setting, Asgard seems rooted in a tedious realism. But that’s because Thor is still a mainstream action movie, and it has to adhere to the expectations of a mainstream audience. That means action, hero learns a valuable lesson, hero gets the girl, some more action, the end.

The film is also chock full of references to previous and future Marvel films. SHIELD Agent Coulson (Clark Gregg) from Iron Man has a prominent supporting role. And there are brief cameos by Hawkeye and Nick Fury, plus set-up for the upcoming Avengers film. In themselves, these glorified shout-outs do not ruin Thor … until the moment when they become the point of the film. That moment comes during the film’s climax, when the main conflict ends on an anti-climactic note because certain plots must be left unresolved until the next Marvel installment.

So that’s Thor. An entertaining, silly, uneven mess. For all its flaws, I enjoyed it far more than I thought I would.

 

White Hair, Blue Eyes, and Black(ish) Skin: A History of Storm in Comic Book Covers

Storm is one of Marvel’s most recognizable heroines and the most prominent woman of color in superhero comics (though the definition of “color” varies from artist to artist). She’s never had her own ongoing series, but she’s been a headliner in the X-Men franchise for decades. Since her introduction in 1975, Storm has assumed many roles: mutant, superhero,  African goddess, pickpocket, claustrophobe, knife-fighting enthusiast, team leader, Black Panther’s arm candy, and fetish-fuel for Chris Claremont. This post is a visual summary of how artists portrayed Storm during the past three and a half decades.

1970s

Cover by Dave Cockrum and Irving Watanabe (1977)

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Cover by Dave Cockrum, Terry Austin, and Gaspar Saladino (1979)

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Cover by John Byrne, Terry Austin, and Dan Crespi (1979)

1980s

Cover by Dave Cockrum, Josef Rubinstein, Tom Orzechowski (1981)

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Cover by Bob McLeod (1981)

Are they … scissoring?

Cover by Paul Smith and Bob Wiacek (1983)

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Cover by Paul Smith and Bob Wiacek (1983)

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Cover by John Romita, Jr. and Dan Green (1984)

Great ideas in comics: Storm as a punk rock bitch with a mohawk. 

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Cover by Barry Windsor-Smith (1984)

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Cover by Rick Leonardi and Whilce Portacio (1986)

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Cover by Marc Silvestri, Dan Green, and Alex Jay (1988)

1990s.

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Cover by Andy Kubert and Joe Rosen (1990)

So there was this plot where Storm was turned into a kid … it didn’t make much sense.

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Cover by Jim Lee, Scott Williams, and Tom Orzechowski (1991)

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Cover by Whilce Portacio (1992)

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Cover by Joe Madureira (1995)

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Cover by Terry Dodson and Karl Story (1996)

A four issue mini-series.

Cover by Scott Clark (1997)

2000s

Cover by Andy Kubert (2001)

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Cover by Salvador Larroca (2003)

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Cover by Greg “Pornface” Land (2004)

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Cover by Mike Mayhew (2006)

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Cover by Leinil Francis Yu (2006)

Storm and Black Panther were married in 2006.

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Cover by Alan Davis (2008)

In Wakanda, only men get chairs.

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Cover by David Yardin and Jacob Keith (2009)

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Cover by Phil Jimenez, Frank D’Armata, Travis Charest, and Justin Ponsor (2009)


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Virtual Gay Panic

For the past few weeks I’ve been playing Dragon Age 2, a “sword n’ sorcery” role-playing game (RPG) produced by Bioware. The game has earned mixed reviews: many critics raved about the decade-spanning story or the improvements made to the combat mechanics of its predecessor. Others complained about the repetitive nature of the quests, the many glitches, and the painful lack of variety in environments. Speaking of which, I must have visited the exact same cavern about 30 times. And I visited the exact same sewer passage about 40 times. And half the game is spent wandering around just one city (it got really fucking tedious is what I’m saying). But for more than a few people, the biggest flaw in Dragon Age 2 isn’t the repetitiveness or the bugs. It’s that the game is kinda gay.

I’ll provide some background: Bioware RPGs almost always include a romantic sub-plot, where the player’s avatar (referred to as the Player Character, or PC) has the option to romance one of his/her traveling companions. In most RPGs, the romantic options are exclusively straight. If the PC is male, he can only romance female companions. If the PC is female … you get the idea. But Bioware has the habit of including at least one gay romantic option, and Dragon Age: Origins included gay options for both men and women. Though it’s important to note that there were also exclusively straight companions who could be wooed only by PC’s of the opposite gender. So there was a little something for everyone (well, not exactly everyone, but certainly a larger demographic than just straight men).

Dragon Age 2 upped the ante by doubling the number of same-sex romantic possibilities, and in the process eliminated the exclusively straight romantic option. There are four companions, two male and two female, that a PC of either gender can woo (as a side note, your PC always has the last name of Hawke). So is this a universe filled with bisexuals? Possibly, but only one of the companions (the pirate wench, Isabela) makes comments that clearly establish her bisexuality. The other characters do not discuss their sexuality without reference to Hawke, which means that the player effectively determines their sexual orientation when he/she selects a gender for their PC. As an example, the male companion named Anders only expresses homoerotic desire if Hawke is male, but he shows no interest in men if Hawke is female.

A few fans have referred to this feature as “subjective sexuality,” meaning the sexual orientation of supporting characters is not fixed, but dependent on the player’s choices. This goes beyond the simple empowerment fantasy of most adventure games, and actually brings gaming closer to fan fiction (or slash-fic, in this case). Like a fan-fic author, the player is crafting the story and the romance to their liking, but unlike fan-fic, the in-game romances are actually “canon.” As an approaching to virtual romance, subjective sexuality is quite inclusive.

Perhaps a little too inclusive for some people’s tastes. But I’ll let Captain Cornhole at the Bioware Social Network speak for himself in a thread titled “Straight romances got screwed, no pun intended.”

“No seriously for those of us who like straight romaces [sic] we all got screwed over big time. Before I go any further let me clarify this is not a condemnation of homosexuality or bisexuality by any means.

Now sure your Hawke is female you can romance Anders or what have you, but it isn’t a truely straight romance. Every romance option is bi, and it’s just not the same knowing Anders or Fenris will flirt with male Hawke just as much.

Bottomline it is disgusting and I’m a tad upset there is not a single straight person in the game, and frankly there isn’t anyone that I want to romance because of it. It’s a shame really.”

Even more outraged was the commenter named Bastal, who posted a Unibomber-quality manifesto in the thread titled “Bioware Neglected Their Main Demographic: The Straight Male Gamer.” You can probably guess the gist of his complaint. These comments were not isolated incidents, and they attracted the attention of the gaming press, and eventually elicited several responses from Bioware staff.

David Gaider, one of the Lead Writers of the Dragon Age franchise, responded to the Cornhole’s comment (with far more politeness than was deserved):

“… [I]f the concern is you might accidentally be exposed to an unwelcome sexual advance– oh well. One would hope you’d deal with it in the same mature manner you’d do so in real life …

Fenris and Merrill [two other potential love interests] don’t initiate a romance with any gender, and really their sexuality is the most subjective since they don’t discuss it. Regardless, why someone would be concerned about what other people might do in their playthroughs is difficult to say. If the idea that a character might be having hypothetical sex with someone of the same gender in an alternate dimension bothers you, then by all means don’t continue with their romance. That’s why they’re optional.”

It’s tempting to just dismiss this fanboy whining as homophobia and be done with it. But there’s another facet to these types of complaints besides the usual “gays are icky,” and Gaider’s response doesn’t quite address it. This facet is not about a fear of queerness in itself, but a fear that there is nothing else. It’s a discomfort that was inadvertently expressed by one of my friends (they shall remain nameless) who also played Dragon Age 2. Like the commenters at the Bioware Network, he was unhappy that the  male traveling companions (and several other male supporting characters) flirted with him. I responded by noting that he didn’t have to flirt back, but it wasn’t so much the flirting that bothered him but the absence of relationships with men where flirting didn’t occur. He wanted un-erotic relationships with other men, in other words, straight male friendships. At that moment, part of me agreed with him. While I don’t presume to speak for all straight men, there’s something comfortable about my friendships with other straight men, when sex (at least on a conscious level) is out of the question. What my friend wanted, and what I suspect many other straight male gamers also want, is the virtual version of these “safe” friendships.

But this safety relies upon the rejection of a romantic possibility. There are endless opportunities for romance or non-romance in the real world, and my decisions have no effect on the options of the vast majority of humankind. But the virtual world of Dragon Age is finite. There are only so many characters and only so many romantic possibilities. When I start insisting that certain sexual identities become fixed so that those friendships feel safer for me, what I’m also saying is that a romantic option for a gay man (or for a woman who enjoys the fantasy of being a gay man) cannot exist. And in the balance of who’s gaining or losing, I’d say that losing the easygoing quality to a friendship with a nonexistent person is a very, very small price to pay so that someone else can have the same freedom that I possess when creating their ideal fantasy.

Or it might be possible, in theory, to create their ideal fantasy if less of the game took place in that one goddamn cavern … I’ll stop harping on that now.