Kids Vs. School

This first ran on Splice Today.
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I send my son to a private Waldorf school. This makes me one of the bad parents Allison Benedikt singled out in a controversial post at Slate recently, in which she excoriated (and/or trolled, as Mary McCarthy said) parents of private school kids. According to Benedikt, “[I]f every single parent sent every single child to public school, public schools would improve.” Therefore, folks like me are morally evil for sending our kids to a private school and beggaring our neighbors. Benedikt thinks that my kid would probably get a worse education at a public school. However, she tells me:

You want the best for your child, but your child doesn’t need it. If you can afford private school (even if affording means scrimping and saving, or taking out loans), chances are that your spawn will be perfectly fine at a crappy public school. She will have support at home (that’s you!) and all the advantages that go along with being a person whose family can pay for and cares about superior education—the exact kind of family that can help your crappy public school become less crappy. She may not learn as much or be as challenged, but take a deep breath and live with that.

The worst that will happen to my child, Benedikt insists, is that he won’t know poetry or the dates of the Civil War. He’ll just have fun drinking before football games rather than having fun learning about komodo dragons or drawing.

And maybe all of that’s true. Maybe I’m hurting the public schools by not sending my son there, and maybe it’s all for nothing, since he’d be just as happy filling in test bubbles as he is knitting. But I couldn’t help thinking of Benedikt’s proscriptions when I read Emily Yoffe’s most recent advice column. Yoffe’s interlocutor is a member of a religious minority living in the Deep South. The community, and therefore the public school, is deeply Christian, and the separation of Church and State appears to be honored entirely in the breach. There are school-sponsored Bible studies; the choir concert includes little but Christmas songs. And — the one that really matters — the woman’s middle-school aged daughter is frequently told by peers that she is going to hell.

Yoffe’s response was long on sympathy and short on actual practical advice.

Being in middle school is for many kids a kind of torture at best, and being told you’re going to hell must only add to the fun. But unless your daughter finds her treatment intolerable, you have to help give her some tools to deal with this: “Thanks for thinking about my soul. But my family is happy to be Jewish/Muslim/Hindu.

Which rather begs the question — what if her daughter does in fact find the treatment intolerable? What do you do then?

Benedikt would probably say that the mother should confront the school, and insist that they stop with the Bible studies and that they prevent the harassment. This is, in fact, Benedikt’s central argument; active parents, she feels, need to direct their energy, not towards building up some happy Waldorf community, but rather towards improving their local public schools. They should be, as Kim Brooks wrote at Salon, “super-parents who, through tireless volunteering and organizing and advocacy, turned our neighborhood school around.” By this reasoning, the questioner here needs to march up to the overly evangelical administration and start doing some transforming.

Brooks, who sends her kids to private school, admitted, with much guilt, that super-parenting wasn’t something she could face. For her part, Yost is savvy enough to realize that, for the non-Christian mother, super-parenting could make matters worse, not better. “[B]ringing a complaint,” she acknowledges, “might not do much except make school more unpleasant for your kids.” And, indeed, schools are often quite bad at dealing with bullying, especially when the bullying is directed at folks who are seen as outsiders by the adults as well as the children. Among the kids profiled in the film “Bully,” for example, is one girl named Kelby, who is a lesbian. For a while she stays in school because she wants to try to change people’s attitudes towards gay people. Eventually, though, her parents, who are afraid for her safety and her mental health, pull her out. By Benedikt’s reasoning, that makes them bad people. After all, if your kid isn’t in public school, you’re part of the problem.

I’m sure Benedikt does not intend to morally condemn the parents of bullied queer youth for trying to prevent their children from killing themselves. And, of course, the young girl whose peers keep telling her she’s going to hell may well not be in as dangerous a situation as Kelby. And my son almost certainly wouldn’t be in as bad a situation as either if he went to our local public school here in Chicago.

Still, the point is that if you place your moral duty to society over your moral duty to the person in front of you, you can end up with some fairly monstrous conclusions. Benedikt had an okay time in public school. So did I, despite some unpleasant brushes with bullying. For that matter, I have friends who did better in public school than in private. But still, some kids who go to public school don’t have okay experiences. And if that kid is your kid, are you really supposed to tell them that they need to stay in school for the good of the school system as a whole? Do they just have to take it until it becomes “intolerable” — at which point we can give them no advice and no options?

It’s true, and tragic, that many people don’t have options. But in some cases, at least, the problem is as much a lack of knowledge as a lack of funds. I wish Yoffe had told that family that there are a lot of affordable distance-learning options these days. They might not have wanted to pull their daughter out of school, and she might not have wanted to go. But just knowing that there’s an escape hatch if things do become impossible can sometimes make the day-to-day grind a lot more bearable.

Public schools need more money and more resources. But I don’t see how we get them those resources if we don’t care about kids. If what happens in school doesn’t matter, if learning doesn’t matter, if we’ve convinced ourselves that kids are going to be all right no matter what, then where’s the incentive to improve things? And if we’ve decided that the child must stay in that building for the good of society, then what difference is there, finally, between school and prison?
 

Schuyler

Schuyler Avenue in Kingston, PA, my public elementary school

 

“What good is hurting them back?”

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When the Studio Laika film ParaNorman came out last summer, discussions regarding the last-minute revelation of one of its character’s homosexuality fell upon depressingly familiar lines. Had the film come out, say, 6 years previous, there might have been a cacophony of hysterical accusations and impassioned defenses of the film’s decision, but in 2012, the overall response seemed more like a quizzical shrug. Sure, there was the specter of “unwanted questions” being raised from the National Review, and calls of the scene making the movie “remarkable” from the Huffington Post, but the act of a gay character coming out at the last minute and marking himself as queer seems hardly revolutionary. While there was once a time when Ellen could come out and risk losing major corporate sponsors, the name of the game has changed and the act of coming out, even in media geared towards young adults (Glee being the most egregious and unfortunate example), seems almost passé. This isn’t to say that we’ll be seeing a gay Disney prince anytime soon, but it isn’t surprising that ParaNorman’s largely safe, sterile and last minute depiction manages to fly under the rader, occupying a space somewhere between the mainstream queer parable of “well, aren’t we all really just the same underneath it all?” and the loud-and-proud fearlessly commercial “born this way” aesthetic.

Even if the film isn’t outwardly, bold, however, it suggests a more nuanced reading of queerness and its portrayal in the media. In a subsequent interview, the co-director of the ParaNorman explicitly said that the inclusion of a gay character was not merely a throwaway gag, but an explicitly political statement by Studio Laika itself. “If we’re saying to anyone that watches this movie don’t judge other people,” Chris Butler told Electronic Urban Report, “Then we’ve got to have the strength of our convictions.” He is referring, of course, to the strong themes of anti-bullying and acceptance that resonate throughout ParaNorman and the studios previous film, 2009’s Coraline. Both films depict young and isolated protagonists, loners who find little but dissatisfaction and loneliness in their regular lives and inhabit parallel worlds where they can better be themselves. These parallel worlds become places that they can express themselves freely, where they are accepted and loved, but ultimately, worlds that cannot, and should not, be inhabited fully. Ultimately, they must return to the real world, with all its pains and travails, but they do so not by abandoning their parallel worlds but by reintegrating them into their everyday existences. In this way, the protagonists neither become separatists nor assimilationists, but delineate for themselves a communal space that they have control over within the greater space of the world itself. This process of reconciliation with the world and with finding a safe space parallels the struggle of many queer youth, who find themselves ostracized, alienated and tormented by their peers and the world around them. In examining the intersection of queerness and youth, Laika does more than just say “bullying is wrong” and add shove the prefix LGBT in there. It analyzes the hard realities queer youth face, and suggests strategies for them to grow, to learn, and to resist without separating themselves from the world or assimilating to a more “acceptably” queer version of themselves.

Before continuing, it seems necessary to define the parameters of the word “queer” in its current context. Queer is an endlessly contested word, loved by some, loathed by others. Its usefulness lies in its elasticity, its ability to reference any number of identities or orientations without singling them out. But the ambiguity of the word makes it seem at times almost formless, an amalgamation of ideas with all the conviction of mush. And compounding its slippery nature is the illusiveness of queerness is contemporary media itself; trying to figure out whether or not a queer reading even exists in a text often feels like looking through a kaleidoscope, trying to figure out if one specific shape is purposeful or just a trick of the light. Part of this, of course, stems from the institution of heteronormativity; any overt deviance from a heteronormative paradigm is preemptively erased, leaving only faint hints and clues to its existence. Queerness, therefore, is predicated on difference, but more specifically on deviance; where it exists, it must be erased. This is the definition that ParaNorman and Coraline use; the protagonists of both films, though not explicitly queer (nor explicitly heterosexual, it must be mentioned), are clearly the oddballs in their respective worlds, and throughout their films have various forms of violence and erasure inflicted on them. In ParaNorman, the protagonist Norman, capable of talking to the dead, is endlessly mocked and ridiculed by his school and neighborhood, at times physically threatened and harassed by bullies. In Coraline, the titular protagonist’s loud, curious, and boisterous personality is constantly stifled by her parents, who clearly have no time for her antics. In both films, the narrative of not belonging emerges, with both protagonists feeling enormous pressure from their families and communities to simply stop being who they are and to “fit in”.
 

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What distinguishes queerness from other intersections of oppression is the insistence on the part of the dominant culture that it is a falsity, an illusion, something to be erased. Because queerness is not explicit, must be explicitly delineated, and can often be masked in ways other identities cannot, the assumption that it is false or performed solely for attention constantly arises. This is where the idea of the “fake” bisexual teen girl, the “transtrender” and countless other myths and boogeymen arise from. When Norman tells his family about the ghosts he sees, he is assumed to be sad and lonely and needy for attention; when Coraline speaks of the parallel world she finds in the fireplace, it is simply a product of her overactive imagination. The experiences of both characters are erased, and the burden on “proving” their experiences lies on them, rather than on the people around them to simply accept who they are. In Coraline, however, the parallel “other” world becomes a place of acceptance, or at least tolerance; her Other Parents dote on her and encourage her imagination, show her wondrous things and ask her if she wants to be their daughter. They only ask one small, simple price; for her to sew black buttons into her eyes, the same ones everybody in this world wears. The movie thus engages the logic of assimilation, central to heteronormativity; Coraline’s queerness is tolerated to a certain degree, but only if she makes it quiet and nonthreatening, subsumed to the dominant cultural logic around her. It is queer erasure at its most insidious; when she refuses, the other parents become angry, and attempt to use guilt, manipulation and outright violence to make her comply, threatening her real parents in the process.
 

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Ultimately, Coraline triumphs through subverting the Other Mother’s expectations of her; she challenges the Other Mother to a game, knowing that it’s rigged from the start and that even if she does win, the Other Mother won’t let her go. Armed with this knowledge, she tricks the Other Mother and manages to escape, retaining her identity and saving her parents in the process. And while it’s not as easy as playing a single trick for queer youth to negotiate their own identities, it is through knowing and understanding the nature of assimilation that Coraline manages to subvert it and ultimately gain acceptance on her own terms.
 

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While Coraline engages the nature of assimilation, ParaNorman focuses on the nature of plain-faced oppression itself. The focus of the story is the tale of Agatha Prendergast, a young 18th century girl who, like the protagonist Norman, could communicate with the dead. Condemned to death by her Puritan community, her spirit haunts the town, placated each year by a bedtime story so that she won’t cause havoc and destruction. Even in death, her anger is obfuscated and ignored, smothered out with the false platitudes and insistences of innocence that accompany all historical wrongdoings. Ultimately, Agatha’s spirit is once again loosed on the world, full of three centuries’ hate and rage towards the people who hurt her. Norman, who has experienced similar, if not as violent, treatment at the hands of the town for his abilities, understandably has sympathy for her cause. He shares her rage towards the world that has demeaned and brutalized them, but he also recognizes the self-destructive tendencies that accompany it. When he ultimately confronts her, he poses the question “What good is hurting them back?” directing her rage and hatred towards him. Although it is tempting to read this as a sort of “we shall overcome,” message, ParaNorman isn’t particularly interested in moralizing; it is the well-being of Norman and Agatha it is invested in, not that of the townspeople who hurt them. Anger as a purely destructive impulse, while emotionally cathartic, is also destructive; as Agatha’s fury becomes greater and she can find no means of reconciling it, she starts taking it out on Norman, someone who has suffered just as she has.

For Agatha, inner peace comes not from forgiving the townsfolk or absolving them of their injustices, but by remembering the people in her life who cared about her; the people who accepted her for who she is, and the people who understood her suffering as they experienced the same. While anger gives an impetus for change and action, solidarity directs its course. Norman and Agatha’s thereby reconcile their anger and their queerness, being able to at once learn to accept themselves and the people who care about them and remaining angry and determined to resist various forms of oppression and erasure.
 

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Working through these characters, Laika suggests means of negotiating the apparent contradictions queer youth face; the pressure to both assimilate and to “be themselves”, the struggle of opposing heteronormativity whilst having non-queer family and friends, and ultimately that parallel and “ideal” worlds cannot exist in vacuums. Instead of drawing away from others, the protagonists of the films learn to both be who they are and to place the onus of acceptance on others, rather than have to “prove” they have a right to exist. And even if the conclusions aren’t revolutionary (there are no revolutions, no world changing events in these films), it is the films’ small victories, ones like the protagonists finally making their friends, family, and loved ones understand that they are who they are, that will make all the difference for queer teens wedged between bare hatred on one end and the insidiousness of forced conformity on the other.